Tips for safely navigating the new rules of engagement.

“I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies…. It's exhausting.”
–from “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Over the past decade, dating has changed. A lot. Certain aspects of dating have become easier, some have become more difficult, and some–are just different.

Meeting prospective relationship partners online has blossomed into a full-blown social phenomenon. A jaw-dropping 20,000 singles join Match.com every day, and eHarmony reports an average of 236 weddings every day among its members.

To a large degree, this means that the bar scene, the awkward singles group at church, or the embarrassing blind date have all become archaic, quaint vestiges of a dating world that initially required a degree of almost total ignorance regarding prospective dates. Meeting a total stranger meant exactly that: from the start, you knew virtually nothing about the person you were meeting. Everything was riding on that first impression.

Meeting people online, or being matched with someone through an online dating service, means that a lot of the preliminary work can be accomplished before you ever actually meet in person. Some online dating services, such as eHarmony, offer detailed questionnaires that allow your likes, dislikes, values, preferences, and personality traits to be matched with a person before you even establish contact. Some sites are specific to certain ethnicities, religions, body types, even income levels.

The downside to all this information, however, is that the medium is easy to manipulate. Someone who has certain aspects of their past that they would rather not reveal, or who may even be married, has the freedom to reinvent themselves at will.

What this means is that online dating requires a cautious approach. For this article, I took a (very informal) survey of my family and friends. I know five now-married couples who met through online dating services, but I also heard several tales of woe and caution. Related experiences careened from “I found my soul mate” to “I filed a police report,” but there was little in between. (It’s worth noting that many online dating services provide safe ways to talk or email through secure sites that don’t require you to provide your personal email or phone number to a person you’ve just met. It is also advised that, for the first few dates at least, you meet in a public place, not your home or apartment.)

The Numbers Game

Meeting people online can be downright treacherous for those who are gullible, soft-hearted, or easily deceived. If you know you’re a person who tends to believe every sob story, then realize that, for you, this might not be the best approach to dating.

If, however, you consider yourself to be savvy and intuitive, then meeting people via online connections can be an ideal way to winnow through large numbers in search of the dating equivalent of that proverbial needle in a haystack.

The numbers make sense: subscriptions to online dating services average about $20 per month–less than the cost of dinner and drinks. And the sheer volume of prospective partners makes it likely that somewhere in that data base is a person you’ll like, who will like you right back.